I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
