i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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