The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
