I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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