I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
