this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
