Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
