forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
