thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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