So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
