I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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