But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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