I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
