sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
