No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
