In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
