The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
