Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
