Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
