Whatcha textin bout Willis?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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