she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
