Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
