There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This house was built for laser tag.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
