I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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