Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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