My Higher Power is John Stamos
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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