4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
