He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
