So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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