My sheets look like a crime scene.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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