I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
