the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
