it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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