Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
