i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
