I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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