Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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