the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
