I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
