Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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