Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
