tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
