Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
