I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
