Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
