i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
