Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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