Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
