Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
