i barfeds in our rink
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
