Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
