Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They took my balls.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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